You know. I’ve written this entry quite a few times. I’ve been trying to come up with clever ways to say this.
There are none.
I’m trying to make it sound like I have it together, like I at least have myself figured out.
The fact remains that I am a bitter individual. A depressed, jealous, confused, angry…..bitter individual.
Have you ever sat and thought about what it
would will be like when your parents are gone? Or at the very least, when you’re older and someone says to you that you should get the affairs in order?
No, I’m not being morbid. These are the things I have to think about. I have to watch my 48 year old mother, who should be able to move around as she pleases, grit her teeth and force a smile through the unbearable amount of pain that she so luckily gets to wake up with every single day. Why? WHY can’t I go to a movie with my mother? To a concert. To a conference. Hell, to the freakin’ grocery store without her being in so much pain after that she can’t walk?! WHY can’t she pick her grandson up with ease, or play with him in the floor?? Why can’t she run around with her preschool class?? Why can’t she go on a run with me…. why can’t my mom live a normal life, without pain?!
Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry….I love you, I look up to you, and I know you’re a badass. lol You’ve done more for me than I could ever ask for from anyone and I am eternally grateful for who you are and for who you’ve made me. But I want so much more for you, and I hate hate hate that I can do nothing to take this away from you….
Let me back up a second.
My mom has disk degeneration and rheumatoid arthritis. For those of you that don’t know what that is, here, take a gander:
Yes, things could be worse. Things could always be worse. And the woman battles her pain with such grace…I don’t even understand it. She very rarely loses her smile. She’s incredibly thankful for what she has. Everything she does has some level of pain accompanying it, and she pushes through it without a word. She is hands down, the strongest, most stubborn individual I have ever met. If you didn’t know the extent of her condition, you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at her. She decided long ago that this disease will not be the death of her, not her life, not her joy, not her spunk…it’s hers and nothing will take that from her. She is such an inspiration.
I hate seeing my mom go through this. I can’t help her. I can’t take it away. I can’t even pretend that I know what she’s going through. Her body is literally attacking itself, eating away at her joints, tearing her apart….it’s a nightmare to hear her scream on her bad days when a disk slips and she can’t move on her own. I can’t even begin to imagine how things must be to live that way. Most days she takes her meds, puts a smile on, and goes about her day. But even the strongest person in the world has their bad days. And sometimes on my mom’s bad days, I lose it. I try to be strong for her. I know how she is, and I know that there are two things she hates: 1) Liars. 2) Pity. She doesn’t want her family or friends worrying about her, so she just tucks everything away. But there are days when I just can’t take it. I go home thinking I’m going to spend time with my mom, and I get there and she’s in so much pain that she can’t talk because she’s too busy gritting her teeth. A disk has slipped, her knees have given out, her head is pounding, meds haven’t kicked in yet. And what can I do? Nothing.
That’s my biggest problem. Helplessness. Grin and bear it. She embodies that. And if she can grin and bear it as well as she does, I shouldn’t be sitting here whining. But here I am. I watch some girls get irritated by their mom wanting to be involved in their life and it pisses me off to no end.
Be grateful that your parents are there.
My mom has always been there for my siblings and I, through everything. But some of these girls just walk away from their family like its nothing. If there’s a new movie out and my mom is dying to see it, guess what?? I can’t even take her to the damn movies because she can’t sit through the pain. So shut up about your mom calling you and wanting to be with you and missing you being around. Be grateful. Because one day she won’t be there.
And I need to swallow that pill myself. I should be grateful that my mom is still here. And I am. I just…I’m terrified. I know that day is coming….(ugh…this is the part of this blog entry I’ve been trying to get at this whole time…sorry it’s taken a while to get it out. Told you I didn’t have it together)….Anyway. I know that time is coming when she won’t be able to move. And we don’t talk about it. Mom likes to call me a drama queen. But I’m not. I’m just realistic about the things that no one wants to acknowledge. I know how bad this disease can get. I know that it attacks her other organs, not just her bones and joints and such. And I know that she has a pretty severe case of it. I also know that nothing is for certain. It’s not up to me, it’s not up to my mom or dad, it’s not up to the doctors. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen…and there is nothing I can do about it…
And whilst I have a complete mental breakdown after thinking about my moms pain and watching a sappy movie, you know how my husband reacts? He holds me without a word. Just lets me ugly cry all over his shirt. And just waits. Reminds me to breathe. Let’s the panic subside. Asks if I want to talk. And stays by my side as I type and retype and delete and type this entry again. At 1 in the morning. I told you, he’s a good egg. And I have no idea what I’d do without him. I feel terrible for him at times like this. Because I know that same helpless feeling I have for my moms pain, he has for mine. And I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. Sigh….are you starting to understand why I named this thing This Messy Mind?? I’m a mess. No other word for it…
…I want off this train…
You know, I listen to this song a lot. It is -spot- on. There isn’t a single part of that song that I can put here that applies more than the rest. So I’ll just leave you with this. And tomorrow I’ll be ok again. It’ll be a new day with the same demons, but a renewed sense of spirit. But for now, this is where I am.
No, I’m not color blind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this, tonight
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But, honestly, won’t someone stop this train?
Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own
So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said, “Help me understand”
He said, “Turn sixty-eight
Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train”
Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
When you’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
‘Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing, stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know, I can’t
‘Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train.
Stay on the train, y’all…XOXO ❤