Are you into New Years resolutions?
I’m not, usually.
But I believe this year will be different. I’ve been through a lot over the last year health-wise, and a lot has changed. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned lately, it’s to be honest. And not just with other’s, but with yourself.
I’ve been bottling myself up. I don’t like to admit that I have demons that I don’t get along with. I don’t like acknowledging the fact that most things that go through my mind are negative, or that 9 times out of 10 I have no control over my moods. I don’t like to think of the scars, mental or physical. I’ve tried the ‘I can’t see you so you’re not there’ route. It doesn’t work.
This morning I poured out my heart to my husband. Granted, being married I know I should have done that a long time ago. But the fact is, I didn’t. Until now. Things that I’ve never told a soul, I told him. The ugliest side of me, the darkest parts of my heart, he heard all about it. And I’m not going to lie, it hurt. It was hard. But I need to be that person. I need to acknowledge who I am on all accounts, and deal with it. Because clearly ignoring it doesn’t work out too well. After talking about everything I’ve kept locked up for over 10 years, I realized…I hate myself. I hate how my mind works, I hate how my heart reacts, I hate that it’s so hard to get control of. And I hate that I feel like I have to hide it.
This year, I will love myself. I will be honest with myself. I’ve come to find that the more I hide, the colder my heart gets. And it’s not good for your soul to harbor things like that. So this year that’ll be my resolution. Communication. Honesty. This year, I will not be afraid of my own mind. Bring it on, poltergeist. I’ll play your game. But we’re going to do this on my terms. I make the rules and you can either play by them, or move along. (I say that knowing it’s infinitely easier said than done. But hey, aim high right?)
And you should do the same. You are beautiful inside, no matter what your demons make you feel or think. You are worth it. Someone needs you around. And better still, someone wants you around. Honesty is hard. Being true to who you are is hard. Acknowledging things that you hate about yourself is really hard. But the lessons you learn from it? Worth it. You’ll find people that know every part of you, and love you for it. And that level of comfort makes a relationship ten million times better. After crying so much that my eyes were almost swollen shut, and telling my husband everything from suicidal thoughts to a self harming background in high school, I was expecting him to get freaked out. He didn’t. I expected him to make excuses for me, or to tell me that I need help. I know I need help, but hearing someone else tell you that is almost like them telling you that you’re broken. I’m not broken. I may be scratched up a bit. Scarred, dented. But I’m not broken. And, luckily, he doesn’t think I am either. He looked at me, swollen eyes and all, no pity in his eyes, kissed me on the forehead and said “It’s ok.”
And at that moment, it was.
So let it out. Get it off of your shoulders, open your heart. You can’t build from things if they remain tucked away in your heart.
Make sensible resolutions. And love yourself. So you’re not the after side of photoshop, that’s ok. You were perfectly made.
Stay true, y’all XOXO ❤