My mind is a jumble of nonsense right now. Lots of things going on. I don’t know why I function the way I do. When someone says “What are you thinking?” I’m not. Or. I have all kinds of things going on in my head, I just can’t say them. As soon as I have a pen in my hand, or a keyboard in front of me, I can let everything go. I can put everything in order. But if I just try and talk, none of it makes sense. Or what I say doesn’t do what I’m thinking justice, and then I get frustrated, and the other person thinks they understand what I’m trying to say, but they don’t. Because what I’ve said isn’t at all what’s going through my head! So here we are. Keyboard at the ready.
Wednesday I told you guys it would be a rollercoaster of a day. I was right. First off, my baby brother is home, safe and sound. My parents’ house is again loud(er). And all is well in that corner of the world.
Shortly after leaving his homecoming celebration I was off to wait in a small room, fill out new patient paperwork. I was to wait for my name to be called by a stranger, beckoning me into an even smaller room, to tell another stranger that I can’t get out of my own head. And most of all, that it scares me.
Let me just say, I was terrified. I don’t like waiting. I don’t like being in new places. I don’t like being in a room with people I don’t know. Half the time I don’t even like being in a room with people that I do know. So this situation was not one I enjoyed being in. But it led to things I needed. So I opened a book and escaped. And I waited.
Fast-forward, name was called, introductions given.
“Ever seen a psychiatrist before?”
“Well, you’re looking at one.”
Yeah. That happened. But I can appreciate sarcasm and dry humor, so I took it as an ice-breaker more than anything. We talked about what concerned me. About how things have seemed to get out of control. About bottling things up for over ten years and that (obviously) that hasn’t done me much good. And about my moods, being lost in my own head, being lost in a room full of people, and feeling like I need to be admitted to the ER for what must be a rare/unknown heart disease in an otherwise completely healthy 25 year old female.
“So do you have a diagnosis for this,” he asked.
“No, I try and stay as far away from Google as I can. That’s what you’re for, isn’t it?”
He then proceeds to explain some things I already knew, just in fancy medical terms, and some things I didn’t expect at all. I am now officially diagnosed as having panic disorder (duh) with agoraphobia.
Yeah. Agoraphobia. I still don’t fully understand it, even though the more I read, the more I realize someone’s just basically writing articles about my own brain. So instead of me trying to explain it and getting you all confused, read this and this.
For the most part, it’s pretty spot on. And I never expected someone to tell me that that was me. But it is. Anxiety, panic disorder, oh yeah. But agoraphobia? Makes sense, but I was only prepared for the first part, not that. In my case, it’s gone on for so long that I’ve holed myself up to avoid…all of it. I didn’t deal with any of it and it just snowballed. Panic attacks, to (what I now know as) agoraphobia, to depression, and then boom. Clusterf*#% of…fun. Ticking time-bomb. I put on a pretty good front, sometimes. It’s exhausting pretending like you’re not completely freaking out about something on the inside, or that you’ve got it under control. But I do it because I just always thought that’s what I had to do.
But the beautiful thing I’ve learned this week, is that I don’t. I don’t have to pretend like this is ok, because it’s not. I don’t have to do this alone, because I’m not. And there may be people who aren’t going to understand, and there may be people that disagree. And that’s ok too. Even if some of those people are people I would want to support me, maybe they won’t get it. And, honestly, that’s going to suck.
But it’s going to be ok.
I could go on and on about how I feel about this. And eventually I will, piece by piece. Especially considering I have another appointment in a week. And yeah, I’m nervous as hell for it. I don’t like new. Sure, the last appointment went well, and he knows what he’s talking about and I now have medication that seems to be helping tremendously. But I’m not stupid. I know this is going to be a long process. All I’ll say is that for now, it’s easier to scream in my head and pour it out through my keyboard. So I will. I’m sure there’s things I’ve missed even in this update. I read somewhere that there have been studies that show that the longer your brain is exposed to stress, the more it affects your memory. Yeah, well, living proof. Oh well. This will do.
Just remember, there is help. You really aren’t alone. I know I say that in my posts over and over again. But I struggle with it so much myself that I don’t ever want you to feel that way. You’re amazing. And no, your life isn’t perfect. But it’s ok. Please, if you feel like you’re losing control, find someone and tell them. No, I’m not telling you to walk to your nearest psychologist, or to tell someone you’re not comfortable telling. But talk to someone. It’s a scary jump to take, but it’s a safe landing. I promise.
I love you guys.
Stay weird, yall XOXO ❤