Sifting through the facts

Fact: I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety.

Fact: I’ve had to battle with depression.

Fact: I’ve been diagnosed with POTS, or orthostatic intolerance. They can’t tell me which one yet.

Fact: I get migraines, overwhelming fatigue, random pains no one can answer for.

Fact: My family medical history is only a quarter accounted for, leaving more questions than answers.

Fact: None of these diagnoses, none of these problems have ever come with hard evidence. They have all been a “well it sounds to me like you suffer from such and such…” They have all been thoughts. Until now.

Fact: PCOS. Another diagnosis being laid out on the table, with pending bloodwork to tell me what else. However, this diagnosis came with pictures. Pictures of my insides…covered in little cysts.

Ya know, it’s pretty frustrating to hear a slew of different doctors each tell you something different, all after the same list of symptoms and problems presented to them. But I had started to come to terms with everything. I was beginning to understand me. I was beginning to understand my medical background, what was to come from it. I was just beginning to watch the dust settle. I want a baby. I want a family. And I was prepared for it. I want to wake up every hour on the hour to rock them back to sleep, to assure them I’m here and not ever going anywhere. I want to have to rearrange my schedule to fit them into the doctor for a checkup. I want the work….I want a baby…

I decided. It was time. I was ready. 

And in a matter of 3 hours, maybe less, all of that changed.

“Mhmm. See there? That looks like PCOS.”
“What’s PCOS.”
“Polycystic ovarian syndrome. See all those black spots? Those are cysts.”

It could be worse. It could always be worse. I’m not dying. I’m not dead. I’m blessed.

But I’m so confused! And I’m so damn frustrated! Why?! WHY couldn’t someone have told me sooner?!?

“You’re headaches are probably just due to stress. You should sleep more.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Have you tried melatonin?”
“Have you read my chart??”

Ibuprofen on a daily basis will really mess you up. But that’s what happens when no one will listen to you when you tell them it feels like your insides are being crushed. Or your head feels like it’s gonna explode. Or your back feels like someone’s hit it with a sack of bricks. Or that you’re scared of your own mind. Can’t sleep? Can’t focus? Not much appetite?? You’re probably stressed out.

YA THINK?!!?  I can’t imagine why!!

You know what can cause all of that?? Hormonal imbalance.

You know what can cause hormonal imbalance?? Cysts.

Sigh…it could be worse. It could always be worse…

I’m not ill. I just have to live different. Which is fine. I may not be able to have a baby for a little bit, and as hard as that will be, that will also be alright. As you can tell I’m rambling because I don’t know what else to do. I’m still numb. I haven’t fully broken down yet, but I know it’s coming. I know nothing about this…syndrome. I wasn’t prepared for it at all. I was too busy watching dust settle to realize that a storm was coming to kick it all back up again.

For those of you reading this who have gone through anything similar, I ask you with an open, pleading, heart. Help. I don’t need web MD answers or broad research. Because broad research says PCOS doesn’t cause pain, and I beg to differ. What I need is real people. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s a very real shock (at the very least) to a kid who’s never so much as broken a bone.

Thank you.

Stay beautiful, yall XOXO ❤️


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