No. No I don’t mean for you to leave. By all means, stay with me if you’d like. Though I should probably point out before you decide to stay or go that I’m a little lost myself.
I’m in my studio, curled up in my favorite chair, wrapped in a throw blanket like a child. The smell of acrylic is still hanging in the air and dancing with the scent of ripe apples as my candles burn on the desk. Headphones in, violins and cello’s chirping in my head.
This is my world. I like it here.
So you can stay if you like but I just wanted to warn you, I’m not sure where I’m going.
I feel like I should be using this time to work, to create something. I have paint all over my hands, and a computer in my lap and yet nothing feels accomplished. Nothing feels finished. Some would say that this is a waste of time. But how can anyone expect a person to truly find what it is they want, what it is they spend their whole lives looking for, if they don’t take a few minutes to just get lost in their own head every once in a while?
I know, I know. Alli, that is a far cry from what you have been saying since you came to the blog.
That was then, and this is now. That’s what they say, right? Well, it’s what I’m saying.
I used to be scared of the dark. Quite frankly it still scares the piss out of me in certain circumstances. What reasonable individual wouldn’t picture an ax murderer waiting for them at the end of the hallway whenever the lights go out and the house is empty??
…That’s not reasonable?? Just me??
Regardless. I would get lost in my head, in the dark, a lot. I was like the little girl that tripped and looked sideways under the bed. The bed where her parents always told her the monster didn’t live, only to find that it wasn’t just one monster but all of them. Everywhere. And she couldn’t find her way back away from the bed.
But for whatever reason, right now it’s cozy here. And right now is what matters. Calm before the storm, maybe?
Who knows. All I know is that I like it this way. No people. Just music, and apples, and the dark.
I want to teach my children to get lost. I realize that that sounds like a plea for a social worker to visit my house before I even have the chance to get pregnant. But I want my children to know peace when they are alone. I don’t want them to depend on company, but to appreciate it when it’s there and be ok when it’s not. I want them to know how to be still. And not the ‘help please medicate my child because I can’t get them to stop running around (like…um…children)’ or ‘so help me if you do not stop talking and eat..’ kind of be still. That is an entirely different rant. No. I want them to know the kind of still where they can sit and listen to the chirp of a cricket or a bird and feel the storm in their soul…rest. Because they’ll know that being one piece of the puzzle instead of every perfect piece is ok… They’ll know it’s ok to mess up. They’ll know there is a time to make mistakes and a time to learn from them.
And a time to just. be. still.
Gosh I love them…I can’t wait to teach them.
Thanks for being lost with me.
Stay weird, y’all ❤ XOXO