**DISCLAIMER**If you’re the kind that doesn’t like reading mushy gushy personal entries, this disclaimer is for you. There’s a menu at the tippy top of the blog that will lead you away from this post and on to the fictional worlds. Believe me, if you’d rather be reading that, I don’t blame you at all. I’d rather be there myself.
I can’t even put into words how tired my soul is right now.
I feel like a human ping pong ball, bounced between doctors. Each shot is a new diagnosis, a new slap across the table.
I am so sick of it.
I can’t complete a full shift at work when my pain is in full swing.
I can’t give my mom grandchildren, and she’s already limited in what she can do. How will she be by the time I do have children??
My husband deserves a child, and as a woman I was put here to provide that. And I can’t.
I have migraines and panic attacks and issues with my blood pressure and people wonder why! HELLO! I’m FREAKING OUT!!
Anyway. Today was my post-op. And once again I have been provided with more questions, more options, rather than any solid answers. (Little bit of personal medical information. Skip ahead if you’d like lol) The doctor has found a few spots of endometriosis, as we had expected. However, it was found in a spot we were not expecting.
It’s on my kidney and my ureter.
Now, from my understanding, the majority of endometriosis is found on and around a females reproductive organs. Sometimes, it can also get out of control and can be found on the colon, abdominal wall, intestines. That kind of thing. In which case they can go in, laser it off, sometimes resection the colon or intestines.
However, the chances for endometriosis to be found on the kidney and/or ureter is 0.1-1%…..that’s it. That’s saying in a room full of 1,000 women with endometriosis, only 1-10 of those women may have it on their kidneys/ureter.
Let that sink in for a second.
“These are your ovaries, everything here is perfect. There’s your liver, all of this over here looks really good. But this is your kidney, and this is where the problem is. That’s a lesion and there is the spot of endometriosis we’re concerned about. We’re not sure if it’s an active lesion or if it’s scarred in there, but it’s just in a bad spot. I’ve seen physicians go in and try and laser that off, which is normally how endometriosis is treated. But there’s a better chance I would damage the ureter, which would not be good for you. I don’t even want to biopsy that piece because of where it is….it’s just in a bad bad spot…”
A bad spot. Ha. Of course.
So the problem is not only a fertility issue, but an issue for my own health. Endometriosis likes to grow when left alone. Surgery can speed that process up. Doesn’t always, but really? I’m not really one to count on percentages at the moment. So if we leave the endometriosis alone, it is then given the opportunity to block my ureter, which could put me in renal failure. Not really a favorable outcome. The other option I was given was to go through Lupron-Depot hormone therapy. I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant for the next 6 months, which is fine. I can stand to learn a little patience. I have heard a very good success rate with this one, but again, not very trusting of the system’s rates at this point. Plus, it’s hormones. Not really a good combination for someone with a history of issues with anxiety, depression, panic attacks. And last but not least, there’s IVF. I don’t have much complaint for the success of IVF. It’s a logical procedure, and I personally know quite a few individuals that have gone that route with beautiful babies now calling them momma. But there’s always a catch. And this catch happens to have a price tag that makes me cringe.
I hear some of you out there. “Well if you really want your child then there is no such thing as a price tag too high.” Well let me tell you princess, I don’t live in la la land all the time, especially when it comes to money. And if I truly cannot afford it, it’s a price tag too high for me. I want to be able to provide for my child. Being broke with all of my money going to paying back the high dollar loan I took out for the treatment to get a child, risking not being able to have the money for things the child needs doesn’t really seem like the smartest way to start out my child’s life. So tone it down.
You know being a ginger, a rare breed to begin with, you’d think that being a 1 percent-er wouldn’t be new to me. And in some ways, it’s not. But can I just tell you how frustrating it is to know that I was supposed to be going in to surgery, getting this thing taken care of, and be on my way to parenthood?? I had a NINETY NINE percent chance that this could have been a routine surgery.
I had a NINETY NINE PERCENT CHANCE!!!!
Ninety nine percent, and I had to be the one.
Even with all of the support that I do have, even with my life full of stunning individuals, it’s kind of hard not to feel all alone when you’re that one percent…
So! By this time, I have cried and I have exhausted every thread of my soul to the point that I actually passed out. I had laid down to stare at the ceiling and think. The next thing I knew I was waking up and it was three hours later.
My soul is exhausted.
There has to be another way. There has to be some other way to do this rather than another doctor slicing me open, possibly making things worse. Or shooting up hormones in my body and making my already out of whack brain even more horrifying, just for a chance that it might make the endo go away. No thanks.
I’m going to find it. There is another way to do this and I am going to figure it out. I’ve seen diet changes and natural plans that aren’t quick fixes, but lifestyle changes. I’m going to figure this out. And I will have a baby.
And at the end of this I will not feel like a failure. Because I’m not. I was put here and God brought me to this point because I am enough. I am strong. I have so much love to give and I will give that love to a child so perfect and wild and beautiful that I will never again question what I am here for.
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
To my sweet unborn, I love you. I’m coming, just be patient.
Stay weird, y’all XOXO ❤