My sweet unborn,
There have been many nights of my life spent in silence, lost in my own head.
There have been many nights of my life that I lie awake crying, confused as to what it is God wants for my life.
And there will be many more nights to come spent the exact same ways.
I’ve spent so long, waiting and wishing and praying just to hold your tiny hand while you sleep. To inhale the intoxicating smell of my sweet child.
I want to see your eyes awaken with chaos and mischief. I want to see the wheels turning in your brilliant little mind. I want to watch you build a world of magic and wonder. I want to meet the friends you’ve enticed with safety and adventure. I want to chase away the fears this world will teach you are real, but aren’t. I want to help you learn to catch the dangers that are real, and squash them beneath your heel. You will be a beautiful tiny human. Brave and witty, charming and understanding.
“The only answer I have for you is IVF. Your body is perfect for carrying children but getting pregnant isn’t going to happen with the endometriosis your body is rejecting. As it fights your endo, it’s also destroying any chance of fertilization. So all I can say is IVF.”
At that moment I thought you were gone. I prayed for the only option I had left. A miracle. God is my only strength and peace in this fight, and the only one left still fighting for me.
So after years of “not-pregnant” becoming routine, I laugh at the screen as it burns “pregnant” into my retinas.
You’re coming home. You’re finally coming home!! I will hold you and cuddle your tiny body so very soon. And I simply can’t wrap my brain around it.
You’re coming home!
You are nothing short of a miracle. A laugh in the face of medicine. You are Christ’s answer to “you can’t.” Because He can. And though I will never understand it, He has. And I have no words left to say, other than thank You, Lord.
I’ve waited a long time to write this letter to you, my little one. Enjoy your cozy little home as long as you need. You’re coming home…
In blissful shock,
For those still in the fight, never let go. It’s a long fight, and it’s exhausting. But never ever lose faith because in His perfect time you will hold the sweetest little miracle you could ever imagine. And every tear, every fight, every “no” will all have been worth it for that one “yes.”
Keep fighting, beautiful XOXO ❤
Glory, glory, hallelujah! Jesus, You are good!