If You Would Bother to Ask

Lots of things happen in life when you’re trying to slow down. Life doesn’t really care if you’re ready or if you’re exhausted and need a break. It goes on anyway. Mine does that a lot. I know yours does quite often. But see I know that, because I ask. I put forth effort to know what’s happening in your life because I care to know. I want to know if life’s given you a beach to lie comfortable on or if it’s shaking you around like dirt off a welcome mat.

It’d be nice if you gave me the same consideration. Not just when it’s convenient for you but when I need you.

So. Since you haven’t bothered to ask, you’re probably wondering why I’m snappy or distant or really rather aggravated with your presence. And because I’m the person I am, I’ll go ahead and help you out. Here’s a list of the things that have gone on recently that you would know and understand, had you bothered to ask. Enjoy.

  1. I’ve changed my major from Psychology to English about 10 times in the span of a month. It’s an ongoing mental argument.
  2. My son has officially turned my womb into a late night bounce house, making sleep a distant memory. I feel that he’s merely preparing me for long nights to come. I appreciate him looking out for his mom.
  3. I have insanely strange dreams, making the nights I do get some sleep really rather worthless.
  4. Despite the lack of sleep, however, I’m kicking ass in school. And I’m damn proud to say I’ll be walking across the stage with the first educational degree to my families name this summer.
  5. Had to say goodbye to several of my dearest friends as they moved away. One, thankfully, much closer than the other.
  6. This week has been a nightmare. Illness, with no way to take any medicine to ease the symptoms and being told to simply wait it out, has drained me of any desire to move from my bed. Midterms in class. A heated discussion on abortion. And a funeral on Thursday. And we both know I don’t do well with either subject.
  7. And I’ve recently contemplated whether or not letting you fade away was a good idea. Or letting anyone fade away really. I had always pictured you here for so much of what’s about to happen in my life. And now you’re not. Probably never will be again.

So that’s a brief update. No. My life is not ending. I’m doing pretty well considering SO much more could be wrong. But the point is, you’re not here for any of it. And the thing that bothers me the most is that you feel it’s my fault for not doing enough. For not being there.

But just because you’re in one corner of a room filled with people, dancing and laughing and enjoying your life, and I’m in the other corner trying to scream your name over the music that’s so loud you can’t hear me, doesn’t mean I’m not there.

Just because you’re “too busy” to see the other side of the room, doesn’t mean yours is the only side with people on it.

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