The last four weeks have legitimately held the scariest moments of my life. My highs have been incredible, and my lows have been horrifying. During one low in particular, my best friend gave me some of the best advice a person can give a new mom: Don’t get lost.
You need space. Asap. Even 15 min. Remember you’re Allicia. Not Marks wife or Owen’s mom. You’re you first.
Don’t forget to be you. Your son needs you and if you lose sight of who that is, you’re cheating him of what he deserves. So I took her advice, took a step back, hung out in the shower for a bit. And over the last few days I’ve really thought about it. Who do I want raising my son? Some shadow of the person I used to be? Some maniac wrapped up in a permanent blanket of anxiety and stress? No. I want him to be raised by his mother. His nerdy, loving, weirdo mother. I want him to know me, not my shadow.
In this process I’ve also realized it’s not just my son that I want this to apply to. Confidence is a beautiful thing and when you lose it, life gets pretty lonely. So I’m gonna take it back in all aspects of my life, not just this one. And I’m gonna start here.
This is me. Hiding behind a bit of makeup but hey, everybody has a crutch. I’m a redhead, I’m tattooed, and I’m covered in freckles (even though that’s hard to see here. Trust me, they’re everywhere). I find strength in laughter. I’ll most likely have horrible crows feet when I’m “old” but I’m ok with that. I earned those bitches.
I sing. I paint. I sketch. I read, a LOT. I have an addiction to books. New book smell is intoxicating to me. So is learning. Unless the instructor is the guy from Ferris Beulers Day Off or Charlie Browns teacher, I’ll usually listen to anyone drone on if they can teach me something new. I’d rather watch documentaries than reality TV. Especially if it has to do with animals. Except sloths and spiders. Because eff those guys. Blegh.
I’m sensitive. I cry a lot and depending on the weather it doesn’t take much to get me there. My tear ducts seem to be hard wired to my pissed off switch.
I also don’t believe in letting the darkness in my own heart and mind win. I’m not very good at that one, but I try. Easier said than done but well worth the fight.
I’m a child more often than not. I love to be outside and making a mess and having fun. As much time as I spent in trees when I was growing up, I don’t see how I’ve never broken any bones. I love superheroes and magic and dragons and most of the things people over the age of 8 generally don’t believe in.
Most importantly I want my life to show two things: I love God. And I love people. Plain and simple. Not “Love God and love people that agree with you” or “love those that live the way you think they should.” Love people, period. Does that mean I’m a welcome mat that people can walk all over and scrub their nasty ass feet on? Negative. I have a backbone. And I have no problem distancing myself from toxic people, but I won’t cut them down in the process.
I love hard. And fast. Until you give me a reason not to love you, which usually has something to do with hurting someone else I love, it’s likely that you’ll still remain in my high regards. It can come back to bite me in the heart, and does quite often. But I believe that if you want the world and all of its ugly to change, you have to love. And you have to love deep without question. So many people deserve second chances that don’t ever see them. People are too busy judging and embracing petty arguments and hatred that they forget how good it feels to just love. Forgiveness makes things so much lighter. Yes, it’s easier said than done. But damn if it’s not worth it.
In that same breath, I’ll say I am most comfortable (most of the time) by myself. If I had my way, I’d live on a huge plot of land, right by a lake with zero neighbors, completely off the grid. I’d have dairy cows, a pig named Ernest Hamingway (sadly I’ll admit I didn’t come up with that one on my own) my dog, a couple barn cats, and whatever rescue animals I could manage. And I’d be perfectly content.
This is me. This is who I want my son to see. I want him to love. I want him to yearn for knowledge and to use that knowledge as power. I want him to know what an imagination is, and how to use it to fight the demons off. Because I won’t always be able to protect him.
Since it is so likely that (children) will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.
Stay weird, y’all. And be proud of it XOXO ❤️