Sleep? What is sleep?

My brain doesn’t know where the shut down button is anymore. By the time it does manage to find it,  I’m supposed to be awake and fully functioning. Everything is backwards lately. 

Anyway. It’s 4 in the morning and I’m wide awake. Random thoughts are bouncing around in the dark. Why am I not asleep being the main one.

But another big one sits a little bit further in the dark. 

I used to self harm. A lot. I never considered myself a “cutter” persay, because I never went so far as to slice my arm open. I didn’t want to deal with questions about any marks on my arms, so I never did anything big enough to draw attention. Any time my heart became overwhelmed with anxiety or a depression (neither of which I recognized as such at the time) I would take a safety pin or a push pin, sometimes a broken paper clip, and absent mindedly scratch at my arm. Or my knee depending on where I was. The pain was just enough to keep me out of my own head and keep me from getting lost. The marks were always small enough that I could get away with blaming the cat. I had a system. 

But now as I lay here in the dark, staring at the ceiling I wonder, does the desire to self harm every really go away?? I think about doing it all the time. But to me it’s not harmful. I know that sounds ass backwards but it’s true. It was always nothing more than a way to help myself think straight. I stopped doing it because I knew my parents would flip, and even as I moved out I didn’t pick the habit back up because I knew my husband would flip. And I guess in a way I can understand the concern. 

Anyway. Even though I haven’t actually done it in years, it’s my first thought when I get overwhelmed. I don’t rely on it, and I don’t fall into anymore. But, will I ever get to the point that it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore?? Who knows. I don’t.

I’m fine, by the way. So don’t panic! These are just the things I think about at 4 in the morning when I’m supposed to be asleep. Thanks Brain, ya jackass. 

But seriously, if you feel overwhelmed or like you’re too far gone, please please reach out to someone. Don’t do it on your own. You’re not meant to carry that weight by yourself. Hurting yourself is not the solution, no matter how minute it may seem to you. It doesn’t just affect you. 

Stay weird, y’all XOXO ❤️

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