Well. It didn’t storm last night. But it did this morning.
No thunder or lighting. No rain. No wind. Just enough weight on my heart for it to finally shatter.
“I -hate- him,” I told my mom.
I didn’t hate him. I don’t hate him. I couldn’t no matter how much I want to or how much I try. I’ll always love him. He’s my brother for crying out loud.
And that’s why it hurts.
Why is it that the ones you would do anything for, the people you grew up having beside you, your people, are the ones that have the capability to absolutely annihilate your heart?! It’s the ones that say “I’ll always be there for you. No matter what.”
Guys, listen. Don’t tell people that. Do not use such heavy words as “always” or phrases like “no matter what.” Because 9 times out of 10 whatever you just promised is going to be broken. You cannot promise always. It is one of the biggest lies, second only to “I have read the terms and conditions.” You know you didn’t read any of that mess, you just looked for that little check box, accept, and moved on.
But you don’t know anything about forever, or always. Pretending like you do only hurts people.
So leave always out of it. Kay? Kay.
Anyway. This morning I got to walk into work with a blotchy face after finally having a minor breakdown on the road. (I was not blessed with a dainty cry face. It’s ugly cry all the way, baby. Take it or leave it.) I hate feeling pushed aside. Especially by my own flesh and blood. It’s not right. And what’s worse is when you see it happening to your newborn son.
If there is one thing I will not tolerate it’s someone attempting to have a part time role in my son’s life. Absolutely out of the question. Either you’re in or you’re out. There is no in between. I will not give someone the opportunity to cause my son to question his worth because of someone’s half ass, lazy decision to come and go as they please. Not in this lifetime.
Ugh. I need sleep. Goodnight y’all.
Stay weird XOXO ❤️