It hurts to even breathe…

You know, I’ve only ever used all the hot water in the house while showering on 3 occassions. I’m talking just simply turn the shower on as hot as I can stand it and just sit there until the water runs cold. No singing. No dancing. Just listening to the water hit the side of the tub. The first time was last Tuesday night.

Mimi’s had another episode. Grandpa just wanted me to prepare you for what it’s gonna be like when we go to visit. She might not know who any of us are.

The second time was Friday night. I’d had a fever of 103 Tuesday into Wednesday, 102 Wednesday into Thursday, and 100 the rest of the weekend. Why my already feverish body felt it needed a homemade sauna is beyond me, but it did. After being sick all week long I didn’t really care at that point, and it worked. So that was hot shower number two.

The third time was tonight.

You guys, I miss my brother. Have you ever had to mourn the death of someone who is still alive?? Someone who lives in the same damn town as you?!

I know I haven’t gone into details about the situation and I won’t. But long story short he’s walked away from his family. He’s got demons that have fed off of him for a long time and rather than dealing with them head on he’d rather walk away from them. He won’t talk to anyone, he won’t see anyone, and he’s only spent less than two minutes with my son. And it’s been that way for months. He has a new family now. A girlfriend who has two sons. A ready-made, easy-bake family. And I have so much pent up anger and resentment toward him over all of it, especially with the number of children in the family involved. But I feel like, if I say the things I want to say, if I lash out the way I want to lash out, it’ll send him over the edge and he’ll do something stupid. Something very much permanent. Something that could put him 6 feet in the dirt.

But I already feel like he’s dead.

I cannot even begin to explain the amount of pain that puts my heart in.

My Mimi is so sick….her mind is all but gone. She can’t talk the way she wants, she can’t move around how she pleases. She doesn’t know my name. And this next weekend may be the last time I get to see her. But my brother won’t have that opportunity. He willingly gave that opportunity away.

My sister in law is having a little girl, her second miracle baby. She’s in the hospital as I write this and my little brother doesn’t have a clue. He has a niece on her way right now and he doesn’t care to know.

He and I used to be so close. I was the only girl for a really long time, and my older brother was too cool to let his baby brother and sister tag along. So little brother and I figured things out our own way. I’ve always been the one to shake sense into him. He’d get involved in something stupid and I was the one to tell him he was an idiot, and he would listen. But now….now I just feel so disconnected from him that’s it’s devastating.

I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle next weekend. The holidays without him aren’t going to make any sense…

Sorry for the rant you guys…I guess I just needed to get it out.

Stay weird, y’all 💔


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