Don’t Jump

I thought about it.  Cried till I could no longer see. Tugged at my hair until you could see patches of scalp. Picked at my skin till it tore. The tears were gone. Most of my hair gone. The blood dried. But the voices… The voices don’t ever stop.  It’s too much. It’s too much….

“I miss you.” “I know. I miss me, too.”

Here we go again 

You know. As many appointments as I’ve been through, as many posts as I make, as much as I talk about anxiety….I still feel weak when I bring it up to the doctor.  My fear has all but completely taken over my brain. I have a panic attack walking the ten feet from my front…

New Adventures, New Lessons

My intent today was to write a nasty entry about the stupidity of rioters and the political turmoil our country has put itself in. But my son is curled up against my chest, out cold. It took about two hours of indecision on his part to get to this point. (He seems to be going…

It hurts to even breathe…

You know, I’ve only ever used all the hot water in the house while showering on 3 occassions. I’m talking just simply turn the shower on as hot as I can stand it and just sit there until the water runs cold. No singing. No dancing. Just listening to the water hit the side of…

Pleading

I saw Darkness lurking around the corner. Perhaps Darkness thought she was sneaky, but it’s hard to miss her. It’s impossible to ignore the stench of misery looking for company. As I walked down the street I could feel her. Watching. Waiting. So I stopped. As I began to turn my head I saw Darkness dart…

Perspective 

Scars don’t mean you’re weak. They mean you were weak at one point and you overcame whatever darkness that may have brought you to the floor. That is strength, not weakness. They are your reminder of a fierce fight. They are a reminder of a fierce victory. I needed this reminder today. The reminder that…

Ugh

Empty. Indifferent. Hollow.  My new job has been such a beautiful distraction from this feeling.  I don’t work today.  I’ll just lay here in the deafening silence. XOXO ❤️

Light & Dark

She’d been fighting on for what seemed like ages and her body had finally had enough. Exhaustion took over and she collapsed to the floor. It felt like tile, cold and hard against her bare skin. Darkness came in around her and seemed to wrap her in its arms, so close that it felt as…

Sleep? What is sleep?

My brain doesn’t know where the shut down button is anymore. By the time it does manage to find it,  I’m supposed to be awake and fully functioning. Everything is backwards lately.  Anyway. It’s 4 in the morning and I’m wide awake. Random thoughts are bouncing around in the dark. Why am I not asleep being…

Guilty

Every time I look at my son I feel an overwhelming sense of disbelief. He started as this tiny little cell. And from that tiny little cell grew this perfect, healthy, tiny human being. After being told it wasn’t going to happen, I grew a human being. And with zero complications and zero medical assistance. A…

One Thing to Remember

The last four weeks have legitimately held the scariest moments of my life. My highs have been incredible, and my lows have been horrifying. During one low in particular, my best friend gave me some of the best advice a person can give a new mom: Don’t get lost.  You need space. Asap. Even 15…